Independency, Loneliness, & Everything In Between

Primark Decorative Lightbulb; Fresh Roses
I never really notice Valentine´s Day. I'm not in a relationship and usually it falls right into my exam period so I don't really have time to think about it. I usually don't even have time to read about it on social media. This year is different though - I'm still single but I finished my exam period earlier than usual and Valentine´s Day has just hit me. And it has left me wondering about independency, loneliness and everything in between. Where do I stand?

There are many reasons why I´ve never been in a relationship that I don't really want to get into right now - I might not want to admit them. One big issue is definitely that I was raised to be a very independent women. I'm really glad to say that I know who I am without a partner by my side and that I can surely survive on my own. I really enjoy my independency and even find living at my parents´ for over a month to be constricting. But does loving my independence mean I can't feel lonely?

Personally, I believe that being independent and being lonely are not mutually exclusive. Just because I'm independent it doesn't mean that I cannot want a shoulder to lean on from time to time. I also find that loneliness comes in phases for me and can take on very different forms. During a time in my life when I felt very alone in the world - far away from my family, like I wasn't really connecting with my friends - I wanted someone to lean on and be my partner in crime. I always imagined that someone being a boyfriend but I might just have been too specific in my thoughts. Now that my life has changed I don't feel that intense need for a boyfriend anymore.

Primark Decorative Lightbulb; Fresh Roses

Feeling lonely definitely makes you do crazy things though. When I felt my loneliest I was projecting all my happiness on finding a boyfriend; like I would only be truly happy again if I had one (absolute bullshit!). I also saw every guy I was meeting as a possible boyfriend which honestly took so much away from them. Guys/everyone can be so much more than potential partners and you're reducing someone who could become a really good friend to your romantic compatibility. Also it made me act weird around them which doesn't help at all with loneliness.

The best cure to loneliness is definitely finding people you connect with, that you like spending time with, that accept you for who you are and make you feel loved. Those can be partners but it can also be friends or spending more time with your family. How to find those people really depends on what you like to do and where you can find people in your city. I found new people that could have possibly been those friends for me through my work at a uni but sadly, it was too late for those as it was already clear that I was moving soon after meeting them. So for me it eventually took moving to a new city to find those people and also feel closer to my family again - which made it double effective.

Fresh Roses; H&M Decorations

Recently I've also been wondering if I just long for a boyfriend because society has taught me that´s what I'm supposed to do. I think we're taught from a young age on that finding your soulmate is basically the end goal of your life. Just look at movies, tv shows and books - most of them have a love story in them, especially if you prefer certain genres (or in my case can't handle really dark, scary stories). Even as a child we are read fairytales that end with "and they lived happily ever after" - how can I not think I'm failing because I haven't found a soulmate yet?!

Would I be looking for a boyfriend if I didn't have these influences on my life though? The truth is that I don't know. I know that I'm very independent and don't feel comfortable with sexual interactions - so it´s likely that I wouldn't naturally crave anything more than a deep friendship. But there's no way to go back in time and see how it would actually change my outlook on my life. Honestly, even if we look beyond media - I at still see a lot of love in my friends and family. My parents and grandparents have all been happily married, my sister now has a longterm boyfriend, many of my friends are in longterm relationships or at least actively dating. It seems that finding love is the topic of everyone's life nowadays.

Primark Decorative Lightbulb; Fresh Roses

Of course, not all of the people I know are just focusing on love - a lot of them are actually focused on their careers and their partners just happen to be a part of their life. But being in a relationship is of course a big part of your life (or at least I imagine it would be) so it´s natural that you'll at least partly focus on that too. It´s not a bad thing at all but it´s another influence on me as I see how happy those people are.

In the end, I don't actually have any answers to the questions I put out there. I just know that once I didn't feel as lonely anymore I started appreciating my independency more again and wasn't desperately looking for a boyfriend anymore. At least sometimes I think it´s society's fault that we focus on the wrong thing as a solution to our "problems". It´s like feeling hungry when in reality you're just slightly dehydrated. I was looking for a boyfriend when in reality I just needed to find some people to connect with.

Have you experienced anything like this? How do you deal with loneliness?

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