I Could Have Been Hannah Baker

If you haven´t succumbed to the hype that is 13 Reasons Why yet I take my hat off for you! I´d also suggest for you to give into the hype as quickly as possible because the show, story and characters are truly amazing! I´ve listed 13 reasons why I loved 13 Reasons Why before on here and I could honestly come up with a hundred more. This show and story are really not coming off my mind and there were lots of parts that really touched me deeply. But one thought has been stuck so deep within me that I just had to share it: I could´ve been Hannah Baker.

As I told you in my previous post on 13 Reasons Why I didn´t really remember much of of the story despite reading the book when I was younger. Sometimes I even wondered if I had just imagined reading it but in one scene something in my mind just clicked together. When Hannah reads her poem in front of the group it felt all to familiar. Like the lyrics from a song lost within my heart. They had been stuck down there for a long while but there the feeling was, coming up to the surface.

I´ve been a poetry girl for a long time but this poem just truly gives me chills every single time I read it or listen to it being read. So I´ve surrounded myself with it. I kept staring at the lines trying to fill in the blank spaces between them. And I keep comparing Hannah´s experiences to my own. I don´t know what took me so long but last week this realization hit me with the force of an heart attack and I cannot get it off my mind: I could´ve been Hannah Baker.

I´ve never talked about this on here (because it´s happened way in the past and I´ve grown so much since) but I was pretty heavily bullied in 5th and 6th grade. Now I know you must be thinking that just because I was bullied it doesn´t really put me in Hannah´s shoes and I´d certainly agree with you. But that´s my opinion looking back on it. In that situation it felt like so much more than just a few people making fun of me. I didn´t have any real friends, I used to eat up everything that was thrown at me and there was so much self-doubt, anger and frustration within me. Add then on top that I´ve been struggling with anxiousness for me life! You can´t imagine how much a little girl can keep hidden before she bursts.


Within her poem (which I highly suggest you read it, here´s a link to hubpages) Hannah addresses several issues that were so relevant to my life back then and they are still important to young teenagers. She talks about how the people around her don´t care for what she´s really feeling or doing; they are only interested in her darkest and juiciest secrets to use against her. I was feeling very similarly, like everything I was doing was being judged and used against me. What if I laughed too loud? What if I sat in the wrong way? What if me not saying a word made me more vulnerable? Hannah also clarifies that she is stuck in the dark, looking for a way out. Grasping at straws just to escaper her situation but again the people around her don´t care for that side of her. I used to come home from school crying almost every day. I was really, really stuck in a deep, dark hole and I was so desperately grasping for any way out that I initially even trusted my enemies until I learned to not trust anyone.

Hannah then goes on to talk about feeling alone and waiting for someone to lean on, someone that could help her out of the mess and understand what she´s going through. She feels like she can´t befriend the girls around her and she is worried about never finding someone who understand her. To this day I still feel similarly. It seems like everybody just knows how to act in social situations, how to make and keep friendships. And then there´s me just sat on the outside always trying to be a part of it but not being able to find my way in. Lastly, Hannah discusses the feeling of home and that she doesn´t know if she can ever find a place that´s safe enough to be her home. For her this is made difficult because every person she eventually trusts ends up betraying her. I, too, have been part of many friendship groups in my life and so far only one of them has turned out to be long lasting. You can´t imagine how grateful I am to have those girls and my family who give me a feeling of safety, trust, love, and just home. But I didn´t find those girls until 9th grade, so when I was bullied I just felt lost in the world.


But still, I got lucky (which is a really bad word to use in this context). We were all just 11-12 years old, cyber bullying wasn´t really invented yet and there was never anything sexual about the harassment. Plus, my parents are the greatest people in the world! They noticed that something was going on really quickly and they did everything to help me get out of this situation. They even got my teachers involved who took great care of me. I was able to talk through what I´ve been eating up, I eventually found great friends and the anger and frustration have eventually subsided. I still dislike the people who bullied me back then but I´ve turned my feelings towards them into a force that´s driving me to achieve everything I want just to show them I can.

Hearing Hannah's poem again was like being thrown back into that dark place I used to be in and I think that is definitely one of the reasons I am totally obsessed with the show. It´s really tragic that Hannah´s story didn't have a happy ending, that there were not enough people attentive enough to notice what was going or willing enough to help her out of her dark place. Without having ever touched a gun or poison we humans definitely possess the most terrible weapon: words and actions. Please be aware of how you use them. You can be someone´s Bryce or your could become someone´s Clay. It´s YOUR choice! My mom used to have three saying that highly influence how I´m acting towards people so I just want to leave you with those.

If you´ve got nothing nice to say, don´t say anything at all.

Be nice to the people you dislike, it´ll drive them insane.

Be friendly, you always meet twice.

2 comments

  1. This was a really interesting post. I'm so sorry you were bullied and you felt alone. I hope things are a lot better for you now xx

    http://www.abeautifulchaos.co.uk

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  2. I'm sorry you had to experience that, but I hope you are finding happiness now!! I'm glad I found your blog, I love your writing. xx

    https://freyameadows.wordpress.com

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