Being Myself

found on Pixabay
The new year has started which means everyone´s still sticking to all of their fabulous resolutions. For a couple of reasons I´m not doing resolutions this year. The main reason being that I failed them every year. Never has the start into a new year felt better for me, so I though I wouldn´t ruin it by giving myself resolutions that I won´t stick to. I only set myself one resolution back in November: always being honest with and to myself.

I´m not talking about not lying anymore. Sometimes white lies are totally okay and more often than not you have to keep secrets from people for their own sake. I´m talking more about what´s going on with me, how I´m feeling and who I really am. For all of our lives we are consistently changing and growing and realizing more and more who we truly are. For me the last year was a very important step in growing and discovering my true self and some issues I have. Since I want to be honest, I thought the best way to start was by telling you. So I´m sitting here with shaking hands typing this up and biting my lips until they bleed. But if you´re reading this, then I´ve had a brave second and hit that Publish button.

found on Pixabay
I am demisexual. For a long time (way too long!) I believed that you could only be homosexual or heterosexual. After years I also discovered the option of being asexual but that was it. It´s always been problematic for me because I couldn´t identify myself truly with any of these categories. Only last year when the internet became more aware of different sexualities than ever I found about demisexuality.

Basically demisexuality is having a very low sexual drive even though there is some left. Usually demisexuals like me are rating emotional over sexual intimacy. We might miss that we´re being hit on, we might like deep conversations over flirting and we might feel uncomfortable in situations were someone we don´t know could come physically close to us in a sexual way. I´m saying might here because this doesn´t have to apply to everyone. But these are all signs for demisexuality and they all fit for me. When I had a read through all of the signs, it just clicked in my head. Suddenly I felt like I could identify with something.

Ever since then I wanted to shout this out into the public but I didn´t know how. I still don´t know. It felt good finally finding this out about myself but it´s very weird to come out as demisexual. I think it could be obvious for everyone who knows me for like a month or so. I never have stories about boys and I openly tell that I´ve never had a boyfriend and that I´m a virgin.  So I´m not really coming out, I´m just putting a label on something that everyone knows about me. But I´ve managed to come out to very few people and they have all taken it so very well! I´m so grateful for this.

found on Pixabay
I have anxiety issues. Last summer when I first started taking the birth control pill I had a big issue with feeling nauseous all the time. It took about 5 months of nausea and a lot of doctors visits before we finally found the source of them. It has been very rough but I´m on a different pill now and finally feeling fine. The thing is though that these 5 months triggered my anxiety.

I´ve always been a worried person but this is something else. I got panic attacks during the summer when I was supposed to go out because I was afraid I was going to feel or be sick without the safety of my home. Also I started to worry that I´ve got all different kinds of severe illnesses as soon as I could feel an ache somewhere in my body. This is a special type of anxiety called hypochondriasis aka health anxiety.

Luckily, I could push through many situations with the help of my mom and it´s gotten way better. But it´s still there in the corner of my mind waiting to jump out of its nicely packed box at the first opportunity. Additionally, I also have to specific phobias that interact with this one. One has to do with needles/surgery and the other one with nakedness. So going to a doctor to get this all checked out is also very hard for me. But I get through it if it´s necessary. I might equal and cry if you want to draw blood but if you need to, I can deal with it. Still life would be easier without them for sure!

found on Pixabay
I have had depression. Right at the time when my anxiety started, a light depression kicked in as well. I had been having a rough second semester always worrying and being anxious, taking myself out of gatherings, not feeling like I fit in anywhere. Even when I met with old friends from home, it just didn´t feel right. It took me a long time to realize that this was because I wasn´t feeling right about myself.

For almost all of my semester break (which is about 10 weeks) I didn´t see any point in doing anything over the day. The best thing to look forward to was a tv show in the evening with my mom. I´d sit around all day on my couch watching every romantic movie on Netflix and eating everything within my reach. I felt horrible and I wasn´t doing anything to solve this. Instead I stopped blogging (the one thing that always made me happy) for all of this time.

I´m very lucky because one day around the end of September something in my head just clicked. I had had a lot of long and tearful conversations with my mom and I was making progress with my anxiety. I just decided I couldn´t do with feeling horrible anymore. The next day I got up, I got dressed and I planned the re-launch of my blog. Since then all of the problems related to this have gone. I feel so much more comfortable around my friends, with my body and with myself in general. I still have days where I´m feeling bad but I guess everyone has those days sometimes.

found on Pixabay
Congratulations if you´ve made it this far down. You truly care about me and I am so glad to have you here. Take this big hug as my thank you. *hug* I just want to add to little things. Regarding your sexuality it all depends on what you identify with. Nobody can tell you what you are and what you should label yourself. Even if you don´t want to put a label on yourself that´s okay and totally your choice. Please remember this. Also if you have any mental health issue please go and get some help if you can´t get out of this on your own. Even if it means that you have do admit you´re not capable of doing this yourself. I know it´s hard and I´m still fighting with this. But you can´t keep on living like this and there is help, you just have to take it.

Obviously this isn´t all of me revealed. There´s a lot to each person and there might be some parts of me that I haven´t even discovered yet. Yet these things have been a big part of my life during the last year and I wanted to be fully open about them. Maybe this post has helped someone and maybe that someone is myself but I´m happy for getting this out there.

3 comments

  1. This is such a lovely read, being at one with yourself is such an important aspect of life that so many people overlook! I wish you all the best for 2016 and I'm sure you'll find (as you say) lots more little things out about yourself! xx
    Sam
    http://samcantfindit.com/

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  2. I really loved reading this post! Wishing you all the best for 2016!

    The Perks Of Meg

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  3. So much love for you writing this post! Loving yourself is something that so many people don't attend to often enough. Being honest about who you are is one of the best ways to love yourself, have an amazing 2016!

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